MRI Freakout...

I had a mild freakout this morning. I'm still a little shaken up or I would be able to come up with some other things MRI might stand for... Like "Made Ricky Insane." You know, since they called me Ricky when I was a little boy. Well, I was never really little. But I felt like a little boy today. And today I am WAY bigger than the guy in this photo.

So, yeah, I backed out of the procedure. I got to the hospital and waited and waited. Finally a technician came up to me and said they had me rescheduled for Tuesday. Well, nobody told me. So I was a little irritated and everything to start with. Aggravated, really.

Then she led me through a series of Get Smart type doors and out to a trailer in the parking lot. There, we road a rickety freight lift type elevator up to the trailer. It felt a lot like a carnival ride - the kind where you see loose, rusty bolts and just assume the ride operators all have criminal records. So I was anxious to begin with.

Then we went inside, she gave me ear plugs, had me empty my pockets and such. And I lay down on this table and she strapped my head in some sort of plastic caller and wedged it in with these two foam disks. She asked if I was OK and I said, "Well, I'd feel better if I knew how to take this thing off of my face." And she showed me. And I tried to relax and just breathe as the table I was laying on jerkily lifted me up and level with the tube in to which I was about to be inserted. And she pushed a button and I started sliding in. I said, "Stop please. Would you please bring me back out."

And she did. And she let me free. And I looked inside and asked how far in I had to go. All the way, baby. I sucked it up and focussed on my breath. I lay back down and got strapped back in, and I felt where the release was and tried again. I got farther this time. But when the walls of the tube constricted my shoulders and arms, that was it. I had had enough and really didn't want to go any further.

All of that took maybe 30 seconds, and I am amazed at the number of thoughts and intensity of emotions I felt in that short time.

It was: [SCARED] you can do this, it is safe...it will help make you better...maybe I could do this with a sedative...you can do this...you did the Tactile Dome...you did a ropes course...just relax...just breathe...come on...Go zen...just take a little nap...don't open your eyes...OK, you opened them [I WANT OUT]...Close them and don't open them again...how long did she say? A half hour? [THIS IS NOT GOOD]...a half hour AFTER I'm all the way in...and I can't get out without this person- this stranger pushing some buttons...I can't even reach the face thing...what if she has a heart attack or something...you can CAN'T do a half hour...come on, Laurie did this, she will give you grief about woosing out forever...yeah, maybe a sedative...my shoulder doesn't really hurt that bad...machinations of Moloch! (somehow Blake and Ginsberg got in my head here) Moloch whose mind is pure machinery

And that was just about six seconds of the 30 or so. I went on like that thoughts screaming in my plugged ears ending finally with...

Nope, it's not that I can't do it - I could, no, I could, really, I am choosing not to...I am DECIDING that I don't want to do this today...no, not today, not ever, there must be something else...

"OK, please get me out of here."

And she did. And she said, "You said on your form that you're not claustrophobic."

"Well, I'm not. At least I never have been. I've done waterslides in dark tunnels. And I did the Tactile Dome, which is tight like that thing, and in the pitch black. But I just don't want to do this."

"Well, Dr. Shepherd could prescribe you a valium and you could..."

"No, it's not that, I don't think I would like it even then. I mean there's got to be some..."

"Well, Ukiah has an open MRI..."

An open MRI...

...I like the sound of that! An there's one in Petaluma.

So now I have to go see my Doctor again to get scheduled on the nice pretty happy machine in Petaluma. Looks like it's in the middle of a magical forest to me. I think I can handle that. But maybe I'll ask for the sedative just in case. And if I'm a big brave boy, I'm just sure they'll give me a sucker. Maybe even a sticker!

The thing that bugs me the most is I can't remember the last time I backed down from something unpleasant. I mean, even when I was six, I eventually jumped off the high dive. That's about the closest thing I can think of in terms of a similar feeling. And in this instance, I didn't have any control. I've always been pretty good about sucking it up and powering through painful, dangerous, or uncomfortable things. But not this time. And I need to process that.